No More Hope?

Yesterday, November 22, 2009, Sunday, my mother and my sisters went to the library (my sister Marie got books about squirrels for a school project and I got different books, including Why Courage Matters by John McCain and Mark Salter) and after that we picked up our dad and baby sister and we all went to Denny's. I ordered the Philly Melt and a cherry coke. My little sisters both ordered maccaronie with cheese from the kid's meny and.... I forgot what my dad ordered. My mom ordered something with steaka nd tortillas and a cherry lemonade which tasted more like sur lemonade and she also ordered onion rings which the waitor, although a polite guy, forgot to bring.
My grandmother had told me last week that she may visit us on Saturday.... but she didn't. It's actually expected from her to say she will visit one day and not show up. She doesn't visit us much, actually. I called Saturday night but nobody answered so I assumed she simply wasn't visiting us that weekend, end of. But Sunday, a few moments after our meal had been served, Granny called. She was outside our house, waiting for us.
I feel bad because I was upset at her for doing that to us. For not calling ebfore she visited us and instead just showing up, which caused us to eat in a rush an my mom didn't even remind the waitor of the onion rings, as she was planning to. Instead we felt guilty for making grandma wait for us in the cold but we (at least I know I was) were simultaniously upset at her for not having called in advance to make sure we would be home, especially because we were NOT expecting her to show up on Sunday. Had she called we would had brought her to dinner with us.
Anyways.... much later we got home and my mom brought her a Filet-o-fish combof rom mcDonald's. And for those of you worried about my Granny, don't worry, she went to my uncle and cousin's house down the block and waited for us there, inside, where she watched TV. Anyways, so we were home with grandma and.... my grandma and my mom were talking about my grandma's boyfriend, Thomas. My grandma cried. My mom gave her advice. My mom asked me to finish bathing my sister's and I could hear them talking from the bathroom. I kind of already knew from what I had heard but then my grandma told me, too.
Thomas, who has been her boyfriend since before I was born, has stopped responding to the medication and treatment. You see.... lately he had been sick a lot. Actually.... it seems the doctors don't even quite know exactly what he has. A few weeks ago (maybe months ago) he went to the hopsital and where he has been ever since. My grandma has tried visiting him, at least once a week. I was suppopsed to visit him a few weeks ago, too. Although about three weeks ago (the day I was suppopsed to go with my granda), Granny stopped visiting him. She says she just felt something told her not to. And when she finally visited him Saturday he was in a different room.... equipped with a life-support machine.... unconscious. And they have been trying to reach my grandma apperantly.... they told ehr Saturday that there was not much hope and given that they could not find any family member for Thomas and he was no longer able to speak or decide for himself, she should decide whether he should be kept on life support and let him die naturally, on the given day assigned to him by God, or if he should be euthanised and spared now.
Selfeshly I cannot help but feel guilt.... I was supposed to visit him. Had I not overslept 3 weeks ago... it wasn't too late then. We think it happened the 20th, Friday. I shouldhad gone a long time before but I was too busy..... actually the first time my grandmother asked me I said no because I didn't have a bus pass and I didn't want to 'waste' my money on the bus fare. ....I didn't go to visit the man who has been like to me, to us, since I was born because I didn't want to 'waste' a stinkin what? 50 cents 20 dollars? five dollars? ....He didn't want to be alone. My grandma only visited him ocne a week and when she didn't go he would ask ehr why she didn't go and ask ehr to go.... because he didn't want to be alone. he had been there weeks. Months. he was bored. He was lonely. ....And I didn't go :-(
It is a selfish feeling when we feel this way.... if it were selfless we would have complied to begin with. But we taught of ourselves and only ourselves and now it is the guilt that haunts US.
....I am sorry Thomas, that I didn't go. I am sorry you were complteley alone the weeks before it happened... and the many weeks when you were conscious before that. I am sorry I am so selfish and forgot the value of life.
Well I should go to class now... I don't know what exactly will happen. My mom adviced my grandma to look for one of his family members to make the decision.
Hmm.... I feel sad that I didn't egt to say goodbye.... my grandma must feel worst. They have been together since she was in her 30s, if I recall. She is now in her 60s. He loved her so much.... ebfore it happened, he told her he wanted to marry her or move in togetehr. She said no. It wasn't until he was already in the hospital that she told him that when he got out.... they should move in together.
The lessons we learn from our lost opportunities come with a heavy price. A price too great that we musn't forget the lessons and carry them out in what we have left of our lives, as long or as little as it may be.
Anyways.... I'm off to class for tonight. We'll see what happens...

-A sad kitty =(