One of my biggest fears is not being able to 'move on' or get over certain feelings. As morbid as it sounds I have thought in my head about how I feel if my mother died.... and it really scares me that I wouldn't be able to get over it. or if something happened to my little sisters. I just wouldn't be able to get on with my life. Ever.
Last night I texted Alex.
These are our text messages:
Me: Nude pics. Send me some ^_~Him: That would be strangeMe: Lmao. Killer of mah joy.Him: Muah hahahahahaha those two pieces move togetherMe: Bleh you win. You out confuzzled me >_<Um.... why the hell did I text him? >_>
I was bored. Okay but.... Alex and I are not friends. Sure, he said he wanted to be but I am not stupid and his actions or lack of actions are clear and I shouldn't be texting him.
I don't have feelings for him at all anymore. Sure, being friends would be great but I am going to be extremely blunt here. I don't give a damn if he doesn't want to be friends. I wouldn't try to talk to him or try to him or go out of my way to be his friend. I mean, if he talks to me and we become friends, cool. If we don't, meh, as I said, I won't try to talk to him or go out of my way to be buddy buddies.
But I have. I texted him.
I don't like him anymore. You may not believe me or you may think I am in denial, given I texted him last night (by the way, I wasn't actually requesting ndue pics.... it was my way of being silly.... had he sent nude pics I would have cringed and gone EWWWWW or deleted them before opening them., if possible), even afte I texted him about a week before that and did not get a good respond (well the respond was ncie but let's be honest, pure B.S.)
What can I say? ....I was bored.
Blame it on my self-destructive or drama-queen personality. But I won't hope that you don't think I don't like him because it won't change the fact that I don't. I won't fear people thinking I like him because the years in which I couldn't egt over him are looooong gone. ....I felt it die. Despite my strange behavior that at times I myself don't fully understand... I don't want Alex anymore. At all.
But for four years (as embarrasing as it is to admit) I couldn't imagine getting over him. Well at times I thought I did or told myself I did but I was in denial (I always knew deep down inside). And if you knew the nature of our relationship.... the lenght of our relationship.... you'd probably question my sanity or suspect I have some emotional or psychological disorder :-p
I envied Alex for being able to move on quicker than I did. I envied most kids my age for being able to make relationships and then dissemble them again and again and again and walk out with drama for the ears of gossip but could sleep soundly at night. I envied people that actually learned and grew from relationships and became better people and had better relationships. I simply couldn't move on.... and had someone told me the person I couldn't let go of was Alex, I wouldn't had believed them.
Since 9th grade until 12th grade, sure I had crushes (and boyfriends) but for the msot part I lost interest as soon as I got what I wanted or as soon as I realized I could get it. And my mind still went back to Alex.... a guy I never really knew, actually.
Recently I became infatuated with Mister Zack Fair <3 as you can recall from my earlier blogs. I was literally depressed for like 2 whole days. Over a video game. And I thought about it waaaay too much. Then when I allowed it to escape my mind I completely avoided the game altogether. I turned on the game today, by accident, and some of the sadness restored itself... And that is just a freaken video game!
I am obsessive. Period.
Idk why I texted Alex.... I honestly know it's not because I still have feelings for him.... I'm sure the reason is unhealthy though.
It's probably those same feelings that make me... lead on people (oh wow, I said it o_o). Maybe I want attention, I don't know >_<
I am scared..... very scared of fear. I'm scared if I manage to truly care about something I won't know what to do without it. I am teriffied of becoming mentally insane...
Bleh, sorry, I don't feel like writing anymore. Not because I'm sad or anything :-p I jsut got a bit sleepy and hungry and my feelings of what i was writing went away.... so it doesn't feel natural atm :-p
Meh, thank you for lending me your ear, shall we discuss my intimate problems some other time? :-)
Maybe next time we can discuss what is wrong with you instead :-p
P.S. Btw, something I wanted to share that I thought was a bit funny. Last night I took the bus home. This girl got in at my stop and she was thin and had a cute hair-do (the front side flipped to the back and held by bobby pins with strands from the sides). I kept staring at her hair but she couldn't see me because of where she was sitting. However, sometime later another girl came in with a really cute face and pretty hair (her's was black and straight and she had bangs) that remidned me of someone. For the record, I am heterosmexual (sorry ladies) so I don't check out girls in the sense that I am attracted to them but I do notice pretty ones and admire some of their purdy traits .... or if I am having bad days I envy those traits. Anyways, I kept staring at the other girl. By the way, I was out of it. It was almsot 10 p.m. and I was listening to the same tiered songs on my PSP. Anyway, the 2nd girl did manage to see me staring at her and she looked over at me and gave me the stink eye.
And then it hit me - she probably thought I was player hating. I feel dumb and guilty. I wanted to interrupt their conversattion and say "oh no, I jsut think your friend has a nice hair-do and you have a cute face and a cute hair style". Good thing I didn't but meh. I just feel bad because I hate it when people stare at me at the bus but I had nintentionally become that which I hate.
P.S.S. My period starts today. Sorry, I wouldn't normally share this tidbit but I am horrible at keeping track of it and I KNOW it is uber irregular but when I go to the doctor's they don't seem to believe me. If I mention it casually on my blog then I can look at it later and transfer it to a calndar or something.
Until we meet again,
-I am STILL a cat! Deal with it! :-p
